Forks in the Road

Do you know where you're going to ?

Do you like the things that life is showing you ?

Where are you going to  ?

Do you know ... ?

I went running at UM yesterday evening. A very pleasant 4.5km loop with a gentle slope. I'm always reminded of my dad whenever I step into UM - how it must have been so exciting and grand back in the 60s as a young man/teenager from a small town, to have 'made it' to the premier university in the country.

We must have driven by/through the campus numerous times, when we lived in the Seksyen 16 PJ in the 1990s, with my dad reminiscing about his time there, but he never suggested any of us going to UM. Somehow, we were encouraged to go abroad. I didn't give it much thought back then. 

UM has a lot going for it: gorgeous mature campus with beautiful architecture situated amidst rolling hills, proximity to the city, and world class education. Some of the residential buildings are in sad disrepair though, ironically, these are the 'newer' ones that are less than 20 years old. 

I discussed this with okm last night, as he grew up around the corner, off Jalan University; and if UM was one of his choices for tertiary education. During that conversation, he referred to a world bank study that examined the trajectories of NUS and UM, which share historical roots, but diverged after Singapore and Malaysia's separation. I think it might be the one below:

https://www.academia.edu/122852472/The_National_University_of_Singapore_and_the_University_of_Malaya_Common_Roots_and_Different_Paths

tldr ...

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Coming back to home, my dad taught 6th form math and coached volleyball at MGS for a few months after he graduated. Reading math at university, and then becoming a math teacher, was the expected pathway for my dad. But this was where his path diverged from his elder siblings. He got a job with the government statistics department, and after a couple of years, he joined the computing/IT department at Shell. Apparently there were not enough computing grads locally back then, so they recruited from Stats Dept. Perhaps not many 'Malayans' wanted to go to Miri, Sarawak - but my dad being the intrepid traveler in every sense - was ready for adventure, and convinced my mum to go along as well. My grandma/his mother tried to dissuade him: the quotable quote being, "Don't go, the mossies there are ENORMOUS". It's a funny story, but she was only trying to protect him, her maternal instincts overriding the fact that she hadn't been outside of Malaysia at the time, and did not have a clue about the fauna in Borneo.    

After being in front line politics for a decade, and then stepping aside, albeit maintaining a fairly public persona in academia for the last couple of years, okm recently returned to the corporate world. I asked him if it was like coming back to 'square one', and what life might have been like, had we gone down the expected, tried, and trodden 'corporate' path. His response was: probably neither 'better' nor 'worse', but definitely not as rich in experience. 

(NB: On public life: It still never ceases to amaze me how people who don't know, think they know. iykyk.)

Our days may come to seventy years, or eighty, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away. Psalm 90:10

I sometimes think about my parents - had they not migrated when they were in their 50s - would they be still alive today? Healthy, and playing mahjong with friends/relatives in PJ? Nonetheless, my parents were always intentional in their decisions and follow through. They loved and embraced their life in OZ. My brothers posit that since my parents had relocated so often throughout my dad's career with Shell, what was one more move. Having just turned 50, I don't think I'd be able to relocate at this age, without a strong catalyst, and much less to another country. It would have been stressful for them initially, but they were never ones to back down from a challenge, and ultimately - they had wonderful years there. Sorting through old photos now, and recalling all our conversations (thankful for technology, since many of these were via phone calls); collectively a testament to the richness of their lives, having taken the path less travelled.

Old photos and a chat about the generations

Photos, because of how they may evoke strong emotions, are usually kept for the last bits of personal effects to sort through. re: The Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. 

My mum passed away in 2022, and it's taken me this long to sort/look through my parents photos: black and white prints from their youth, photos from their life together, starting from 1973 onwards till 2000s when we switched over to digital cameras.   

Generational Wealth

I've been thinking about 'generational wealth' lately. Not merely in the dollar sense, but in terms of pooled family resources, which can include knowledge, experience, relationships, & networks. Perhaps instead of 'generational' it can be termed as 'familial' since majority of us are not sufficiently wealthy to ever fund the lifestyles of future generations. Yet 'generational' is appropriate because it acknowledges inherited wealth, and how that lays the foundation for wealth that is generated in this lifetime, and its compounding effect for future generations. The POV is saving for rainy days ahead and a sense of stewardship. It is also interesting that the bible considers wealth management an active and on going practice. The servant who was given little, dishonored his master by burying it in a field. Nonetheless, the bible warns against hoarding treasures here on earth. Conversely, we are encouraged to pool resources and share with each other 'as needed' and as we are able. 

Update: It has dawned upon me that NOT inheriting trauma is a form of generational wealth. A relatively calm and peaceful household, with lots of laughter mixed in with the tears is something to be very grateful for. 

Proverbs is full of wisdom on 'wealth'. Here are a couple of interesting ones related to 'generational':

Know well the condition of your flocks, and pay attention to your herds; For riches are not forever, nor does a crown endure to all generations (Proverbs 27:23 - 24).

Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord (Proverbs 19:14) 👀

The reward of humility and the fear of the Lord are riches, honor and life (Proverbs 22:4).

東京. 京都. 大阪. Itinerary

Home is not Here

Back in September, I had the immense privilege of meeting Prof Wang Gungwu at a very lovely dinner party hosted Dr Lee. 

According to Prof Wang's wiki entry, he is an Australian historian, specializing in the history of China and Southeast Asia, educated in Nanjing University, University of Malaya, University of London SOAS, and a founder of Parti Gerakan Malaysia (!)

Last week, I chanced upon this book on our bookshelf - a partial memoir recording his formative years of growing up as the only son of literate parents in multicultural colonial Ipoh, to their long dreamed of but short lived return to China, and ending just as he continues his tertiary education at the newly formed University of Malaya in 1949.

I appreciated the straightforward story telling against the backdrop of war and uncertainty. 

But the part of his story that resonated with me most were his observations and challenges of balancing overlapping cultural identities and heritage - when you're not quite 'other' - that was foundation for his interest in the chinese diaspora. 

(Not quite 'other', is my own made up term to describe having a different cultural experience from those from the same ethnic group) 

Just as when you're 'other - other', certain assumptions are made about you when you're not quite 'other', one being exclusionary and the other inclusionary - real or perceived. 

But there is a rootedness and assuredness that those who grew up in the place where they were born and in a culture that is not dissimilar from their parents, with the same set of friends for 20 years, take for granted. Like calling yourself PJ boy or girl. Like knowing you have a place to return to after university abroad. Like not having your code switch on auto-pilot all the time. This has been my own personal observation - which I would love to discuss with Prof Wang if I ever have the opportunity to meet again. I do hope so. 

On the flipside to the un-rootedness, there is a freedom - to discover your own path (which Prof Wang does, as his concludes at the end of the book) - and hopefully find your way home one day, some day. 

merdeka & patterns

Happy 66th anniversary of Malaysia's independence day!

On this Merdeka day, I'm thankful for the privilege to be able to take time off from being a 'salaried' person. 

It is nearing the end of 2 weeks since the last day of employment at nwka. Feels much longer somehow. Feels good. Already there is a pattern emerging. A daily routine forming. Let's see what becomes of it another couple of months down the road.

reflections: on death and becoming an orphan at 47

1/My parents were not supposed to die 'young' in their early 70s. I always expected them to be around till their late 90s, like my mum's dad, and my dad's mum. but I forget that I had other grandparents who died before I was born and did not meet.

2/When my parents died, I gained vocabulary. cardiac arrest & pulmonary embolism. 2 medical terms I had no prior concept of before feb18 2019 & june22 2022. My world has changed since then. I now belong to a club I never wanted to join.

3/When my dad died, we did not have time to grieve properly. my brothers and I went into auto mode to make sure mum was ok and try to make up for my dad's presence in her life. it was like climbing Mt Everest. But we tried nevertheless.

4/My dad died pre-pandemic. extended family flew into Sydney from all over the world. Many of them arrived before I did. I arrived to a full house. my mum, and my brothers and me shifted into 'hospitality' gears automatically.

5/It was a big and beautiful send off. I think dad would've enjoyed it, from the moving eulogy and slide presentation by my brother ed, to the choral presentation complete with trumpet by his choir, to the splendid tea spread, and the sermon message by his long time pastor.

6/ My mum's funeral was small, sweet & beautiful. like her. a bible verse read by Phil, a hymn led by Ed on the guitar, liturgy & short sharing by Ed's pastor. We had contemporary music to close with Moon represents my Heart (at which point 2 of my aunts bawled)

7/ Both my parents died suddenly and unexpectedly. They were not ailing and went for regular health check ups. I think the trauma of receiving phone calls informing that my dad/mum passed away will lessen with time but neither will it go away completely ever.

8/ Life goes on. Same yet different. I think that it is impossible for those who have not lost parents to understand. But we all have to walk that valley eventually unless we precede our parents.

9/ On a more hopeful note, I have been given a second chance to build relationships with my brothers and their families in a way that we never sought nor imagined when my parents were alive. And I know my parents would have liked that

3rd anniversary of daddy's passing

today is the 3rd anniversary of daddy's passing. whenever i think of my dad i feel so blessed to have had him for my dad. everything i am and whatever good i do has my dad's imprint and guidance. sometimes it is amazing to think how he became such a great dad when his own father was largely absent and still he had to share with 30 over siblings. i'm grateful for the rich life he led and all the people he touched. and i'm reminded of how fleeting life on earth is. the day when my dad died was truly the worst day of my life. but his approach to everything was that we have a choice and that we should choose to have a good time. he always had a great time. always the life of the party. our family party is a little more quiet without daddy's booming voice - but his presence is with us, binding us in love and joy, sweet memories and always hope for wonderful times ahead. 

cny 2022

remarked to friend recently how those of us who don't care so much for traditions are often held hostage to those want to cling on. i'm not big on holidays but it wasn't always like this. i used to love cny as a child. from the prep: at least 3 sets of new outfits and pjs, and shoes, to the big reunion dinner on the eve, to collecting angpows and gambling with cousins. i think most people of my generation born mid 60s to 80s(?) have similar memories. i'm not sure when the negativity towards festivals and traditions emerged. it's not that i don't like parties or celebrations. cos i do. what i don't like is the commercialism, keeping up appearances, and general excessiveness and waste (?) 

anyways - we made it through the big reunion dinner with the extended family in a big banquet hall in a restaurant/heelaiton. 

and family lunch with immediate inlaws on the first day with ping cher's family. (side bar: funny thing - after just one year of not celebrating cny the normal way due to lock downs last year - i completely forgot that ping cher's family visits and lunches with us on 1st day) it was lovely to see everyone especially the kids and how they have grown. and entertainment provided by soon pak, quite harmless fella but somehow has the ability to put foot in mouth and offend most pp every time. learned today that he worked for the grandfather ong and was matched with ping cher when she came to work at gasing. ended off the visit with family photos with the kids getting into the action of the samsung selfie hand wave. :D

chor 2. on 2/2/2022 

woke up early to play tennis with chungs. super long rallies. very happy. came home and ate some of san's sourdough + french cheese, and coffee. my kind of public holiday.

another extended ong family dinner tonight. and then visit 6th aunt, her husband, and 3rd aunt on friday (yeoh side) to complete cny family obligations for this year. 

sadly (because i'm a grinch) and partly because we have not kept in touch over the years, i won't be visiting the other relatives on both the yeoh and oh/lim sides in the klang valley. i'm not sad-sad because i'd be quite annoyed if my mum insisted that i visit all the relatives. but i do feel a sense of loss that those ties were not maintained. but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 

mine is the sandwich generation that will still show respect to the elders. even if we don't like an old person - but we will STILL give face. and try to continue the traditions that our fore fathers brought with them from china that most of our parents hold on to that includes the importance of extended family network. it will be interesting to see how this manifests in the next generation. who do not have to compete with other cousins for the love and attention of their grandparents. but instead it's the grandies that compete with each other for the attention of the kids. at the very least - i will be able to observe at close quarters since we have nieces and nephews. (unlike friends who's family line ends with them) hope i get invited to cny dinners if i make it to a grand old age and am old and decrepit. but if not - i don't think i will mind too much. xx gongxi facai! 

midlife

just unpacked a cny hamper. 

actually i unpacked the contents last night. this morning was about 20mins of unpacking the packaging, flattening boxes, separating plastic from cardboard.  

midlife is a lot of things of dull. 

and looking for inspiration in elevator posters. 

the crises of reaching middle age isn't dramatic as what the movies make it to be. 

there is definitely a lot that has been written about it such that you can't not be aware of it. 

it isn't a surprise when it happens. 

but what do you do about it when it arrives?

and how long does it plan to stay?

what if it never goes away?

what if there is no midlife but just old life? 

let's try this journaling thing again

i should update the subtitle but can't think of anything interesting sounding yet. i may not be 30 something anymore but here i am ... still lainey in the (klang) valley. 40-something something sounds too blah so this will have to stick until i dream up something else. 

i needed a medium to express my thoughts. in a form that isn't private but doesn't need or seek to be acknowledged/liked. i feel that blogging is perfect in the sense that its just the right amount of public that keeps a writer in check from being too extremely self indulgent in the off-chance that others may wander into the space. most social media these days (fb, twitter) - their main purpose is to engage others even if some people want to use it as a repository of life events. i find myself editing or curating a post for public consumption. the writing becomes self-conscious and thoughts filtered. 

as i inch closer to 50 - i think it's timely to start journaling again, putting down thoughts to paper. i wish i had the discipline to start at the beginning of the covid lockdowns. 2 years on - it appears that the world is healing and moving on. so today i commit to write a paragraph a day, everyday about life here in the valley. xx 

as she sat listening to the buzz of conversation around the dragon lady felt frustration and impatience but she showed only a confused old persons face. these fools who have not even tasted as much rice as she has salt. she who has outlived them all. the man. her sister, the silver always second to her gold. the other wives. the kampung girl and even the nubile catholic girl. 

she was born a survivor. the five boys that preceded her did not live past their 1st birthday. then her mother birthed her - a strong large boned baby girl with a loud voice. the year was 1916 and the great war had ended. the world was mending itself not knowing that another upheaval of greater magnitude would soon be upon them. a war that would be felt in the little estate.

2020 updates

so it's 2020

i need to change my subheading. no longer 30-something. but i can't remember how i designed and edited the html or css. for now i will let it be ...

today was one of those close to perfect days.
a bonus holiday. bad for productivity but wonderful for life and smelling the roses.
luxuriated in bed till 8+
had a glass of water with teaspoon of chia seeds and a few small bites of avocado.
spent the next couple of hours decluttering. currently going through okm's study book shelves.
met sp for roast duck lunch in pudu.
long leisurely lunch followed by coffee.
hit 100 golf balls at the driving range.
mini chats with people at the rlc.
20 mins of tennis.
crab dinner at siu siu with kk, family and et.
home again. ready to face the rest of the work week.

design work begins ...

measured out the rental which is the same layout except our living is abt 3.5 feet wider :)

signed the spa ...!

this SPA has nothing to do with scrubs and massages ... it's the Sales and Purchase Agreement :)

so ... we signed the SPA for our new/old place in serdang last night! *drumroll*

why a subsale? there are pros and cons of buying a pre-loved property but i'm fully convinced that unless you are purchasing an apartment for the sole purpose of investment - you would do better to buy a place that is a little mature for several reasons. since there are fairly few 'new' built properties in the msian context, with a subsale property - you know exactly what you're getting. the SPA is a word document - and no amount of words and certainly no artist renderings can paint a true picture of an apartment. just like how most people would not marry their spouse until they have met and spent time together - i think it is important to have walked through a house and to have a sense of the spatial flow, height of rooms, how the sunlight enters the space, etc. secondly, it's good to have an idea of the neighbors you're getting and the overall competency of the condo management for obvious reasons. i'm less concerned about the 'age' of the building - because old hardware, pipes, wiring, etc. can generally be replaced. anyways. again - in the msian context - old is relatively young - 10-20 years is young when you compare to apartment buildings elsewhere.

so now we have to wait patiently while lawyer submits the documents to the land office to get their consent for the transfer. and then the actual processing to transfer the title of the property ... lawyer estimates it will be after cny 2014 before we get the keys to the apartment. hmm. why the super long wait? from what i understand the land office is short-staffed in the condo/strata dept because there are so many such transactions in the klang valley - apparently it takes only 7 days for landed property transfer.

thankfully we have the rental leased for a year so i think that the timing should work out just fine. :)

in the meantime i've measured out the apartment and have been playing around with the spaces. am planning to remove a couple walls so that the living/dining/kitchen/library are a single open space. i'm also planning to punch a whole in the utility to connect it to the main hallway and to carve out a study in the oversized masterbedroom - which will then make it the same size as the other rooms. the current size of the masterbedroom is pretty big ass and quite luxurious - but i want to have another little room/private study and given the roominess of the common spaces i think it is justifiable to have a more compact bedroom. -to be cont.

a wedding in hk!

yes, we will certainly save the date as we too got married on 28 feb! cant think of a lovelier couple to share the date with albeit 10 years apart. congrats karen and bernard! thanks for the invite. looks like we shall be celebrating 10 years together with you in one of our favorite cities. xoxo

Param (Pasar Ramadhan) @Kelana Jaya

banana barley smoothie

this is what we had for sahur this morning and took all of 3 mins to make :)

this is ALSO my FIRST mobile blog post! for someone who prides herself on being a relatively early adopter of technology (i said relative!) it is quite embarrassing that i had not used this app earlier hence all the previous posts without pics since i take all my pics with my phone these days ... 

to make 2 large and tall glasses:

blend:

2 cups leftover cooked barley and ginko (from barley drink)

1/4 cup yoghurt

1 large banana

2 tablespoons raw honey

1 tsp cinnamon (leave some for sprinkling)

this is a great way to use up the barley and ginko portion of boiled barley water drink which i'm not a big fan of ... but it's quite ok in a smoothie and helps to give a silky smooth textured body that doesn't interfere with the taste of the other ingredients 

the bonus is that barley is incredibly nutritious and high in fibre, i.e. very very good for you!

1 week till raya!

it's one week till raya - and 7 sahurs to go! to keep us on track i have planned this last week of sahur based on what we have in the fridge this morning.

over the last month (other than the 5 days we were away in singapore and had hotel breakfasts) i've tried to put some variety into our sahurs by alternating smoothies and savory sahurs. it's worked quite well and each meal takes about 10 minutes to prepare ... including making tea, etc.

and we've both enjoyed the whole experience so much we're thinking of continuing the fast on days when there are no lunch meetings ... :P

anyways. plenty of other things to do ... like buy baju raya but here goes my sahur meal plan for the next 7 days :)


LAINEY'S SAHUR MEAL PLAN AUG 1 - 7


aug 1: eunice's burgers with sauteed onion and cheese topping + cucumber and ginger juice

aug 2: banana and barley and cinnamon smoothie + toast

aug 3: vegetarian nyonya chung (from medifoods) + apple carrot celery juice

aug 4: persimmon and pear smoothie + toast

aug 5: baked beans on toast topped with cheese and sunny side up + oranges

aug 6: avocado and kiwi smoothie + toast

aug 7: bean burger with olives and yoghurt topping + celery pear and ginger juice


LOVE making meal plans :)

will try to take pics ...!