3rd anniversary of daddy's passing

today is the 3rd anniversary of daddy's passing. whenever i think of my dad i feel so blessed to have had him for my dad. everything i am and whatever good i do has my dad's imprint and guidance. sometimes it is amazing to think how he became such a great dad when his own father was largely absent and still he had to share with 30 over siblings. i'm grateful for the rich life he led and all the people he touched. and i'm reminded of how fleeting life on earth is. the day when my dad died was truly the worst day of my life. but his approach to everything was that we have a choice and that we should choose to have a good time. he always had a great time. always the life of the party. our family party is a little more quiet without daddy's booming voice - but his presence is with us, binding us in love and joy, sweet memories and always hope for wonderful times ahead. 

cny 2022

remarked to friend recently how those of us who don't care so much for traditions are often held hostage to those want to cling on. i'm not big on holidays but it wasn't always like this. i used to love cny as a child. from the prep: at least 3 sets of new outfits and pjs, and shoes, to the big reunion dinner on the eve, to collecting angpows and gambling with cousins. i think most people of my generation born mid 60s to 80s(?) have similar memories. i'm not sure when the negativity towards festivals and traditions emerged. it's not that i don't like parties or celebrations. cos i do. what i don't like is the commercialism, keeping up appearances, and general excessiveness and waste (?) 

anyways - we made it through the big reunion dinner with the extended family in a big banquet hall in a restaurant/heelaiton. 

and family lunch with immediate inlaws on the first day with ping cher's family. (side bar: funny thing - after just one year of not celebrating cny the normal way due to lock downs last year - i completely forgot that ping cher's family visits and lunches with us on 1st day) it was lovely to see everyone especially the kids and how they have grown. and entertainment provided by soon pak, quite harmless fella but somehow has the ability to put foot in mouth and offend most pp every time. learned today that he worked for the grandfather ong and was matched with ping cher when she came to work at gasing. ended off the visit with family photos with the kids getting into the action of the samsung selfie hand wave. :D

chor 2. on 2/2/2022 

woke up early to play tennis with chungs. super long rallies. very happy. came home and ate some of san's sourdough + french cheese, and coffee. my kind of public holiday.

another extended ong family dinner tonight. and then visit 6th aunt, her husband, and 3rd aunt on friday (yeoh side) to complete cny family obligations for this year. 

sadly (because i'm a grinch) and partly because we have not kept in touch over the years, i won't be visiting the other relatives on both the yeoh and oh/lim sides in the klang valley. i'm not sad-sad because i'd be quite annoyed if my mum insisted that i visit all the relatives. but i do feel a sense of loss that those ties were not maintained. but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 

mine is the sandwich generation that will still show respect to the elders. even if we don't like an old person - but we will STILL give face. and try to continue the traditions that our fore fathers brought with them from china that most of our parents hold on to that includes the importance of extended family network. it will be interesting to see how this manifests in the next generation. who do not have to compete with other cousins for the love and attention of their grandparents. but instead it's the grandies that compete with each other for the attention of the kids. at the very least - i will be able to observe at close quarters since we have nieces and nephews. (unlike friends who's family line ends with them) hope i get invited to cny dinners if i make it to a grand old age and am old and decrepit. but if not - i don't think i will mind too much. xx gongxi facai! 

midlife

just unpacked a cny hamper. 

actually i unpacked the contents last night. this morning was about 20mins of unpacking the packaging, flattening boxes, separating plastic from cardboard.  

midlife is a lot of things of dull. 

and looking for inspiration in elevator posters. 

the crises of reaching middle age isn't dramatic as what the movies make it to be. 

there is definitely a lot that has been written about it such that you can't not be aware of it. 

it isn't a surprise when it happens. 

but what do you do about it when it arrives?

and how long does it plan to stay?

what if it never goes away?

what if there is no midlife but just old life? 

let's try this journaling thing again

i should update the subtitle but can't think of anything interesting sounding yet. i may not be 30 something anymore but here i am ... still lainey in the (klang) valley. 40-something something sounds too blah so this will have to stick until i dream up something else. 

i needed a medium to express my thoughts. in a form that isn't private but doesn't need or seek to be acknowledged/liked. i feel that blogging is perfect in the sense that its just the right amount of public that keeps a writer in check from being too extremely self indulgent in the off-chance that others may wander into the space. most social media these days (fb, twitter) - their main purpose is to engage others even if some people want to use it as a repository of life events. i find myself editing or curating a post for public consumption. the writing becomes self-conscious and thoughts filtered. 

as i inch closer to 50 - i think it's timely to start journaling again, putting down thoughts to paper. i wish i had the discipline to start at the beginning of the covid lockdowns. 2 years on - it appears that the world is healing and moving on. so today i commit to write a paragraph a day, everyday about life here in the valley. xx 

as she sat listening to the buzz of conversation around the dragon lady felt frustration and impatience but she showed only a confused old persons face. these fools who have not even tasted as much rice as she has salt. she who has outlived them all. the man. her sister, the silver always second to her gold. the other wives. the kampung girl and even the nubile catholic girl. 

she was born a survivor. the five boys that preceded her did not live past their 1st birthday. then her mother birthed her - a strong large boned baby girl with a loud voice. the year was 1916 and the great war had ended. the world was mending itself not knowing that another upheaval of greater magnitude would soon be upon them. a war that would be felt in the little estate.

2020 updates

so it's 2020

i need to change my subheading. no longer 30-something. but i can't remember how i designed and edited the html or css. for now i will let it be ...

today was one of those close to perfect days.
a bonus holiday. bad for productivity but wonderful for life and smelling the roses.
luxuriated in bed till 8+
had a glass of water with teaspoon of chia seeds and a few small bites of avocado.
spent the next couple of hours decluttering. currently going through okm's study book shelves.
met sp for roast duck lunch in pudu.
long leisurely lunch followed by coffee.
hit 100 golf balls at the driving range.
mini chats with people at the rlc.
20 mins of tennis.
crab dinner at siu siu with kk, family and et.
home again. ready to face the rest of the work week.