Home is not Here

Back in September, I had the immense privilege of meeting Prof Wang Gungwu at a very lovely dinner party hosted Dr Lee. 

According to Prof Wang's wiki entry, he is an Australian historian, specializing in the history of China and Southeast Asia, educated in Nanjing University, University of Malaya, University of London SOAS, and a founder of Parti Gerakan Malaysia (!)

Last week, I chanced upon this book on our bookshelf - a partial memoir recording his formative years of growing up as the only son of literate parents in multicultural colonial Ipoh, to their long dreamed of but short lived return to China, and ending just as he continues his tertiary education at the newly formed University of Malaya in 1949.

I appreciated the straightforward story telling against the backdrop of war and uncertainty. 

But the part of his story that resonated with me most were his observations and challenges of balancing overlapping cultural identities and heritage - when you're not quite 'other' - that was foundation for his interest in the chinese diaspora. 

(Not quite 'other', is my own made up term to describe having a different cultural experience from those from the same ethnic group) 

Just as when you're 'other - other', certain assumptions are made about you when you're not quite 'other', one being exclusionary and the other inclusionary - real or perceived. 

But there is a rootedness and assuredness that those who grew up in the place where they were born and in a culture that is not dissimilar from their parents, with the same set of friends for 20 years, take for granted. Like calling yourself PJ boy or girl. Like knowing you have a place to return to after university abroad. Like not having your code switch on auto-pilot all the time. This has been my own personal observation - which I would love to discuss with Prof Wang if I ever have the opportunity to meet again. I do hope so. 

On the flipside to the un-rootedness, there is a freedom - to discover your own path (which Prof Wang does, as his concludes at the end of the book) - and hopefully find your way home one day, some day. 

merdeka & patterns

Happy 66th anniversary of Malaysia's independence day!

On this Merdeka day, I'm thankful for the privilege to be able to take time off from being a 'salaried' person. 

It is nearing the end of 2 weeks since the last day of employment at nwka. Feels much longer somehow. Feels good. Already there is a pattern emerging. A daily routine forming. Let's see what becomes of it another couple of months down the road.

reflections: on death and becoming an orphan at 47

1/My parents were not supposed to die 'young' in their early 70s. I always expected them to be around till their late 90s, like my mum's dad, and my dad's mum. but I forget that I had other grandparents who died before I was born and did not meet.

2/When my parents died, I gained vocabulary. cardiac arrest & pulmonary embolism. 2 medical terms I had no prior concept of before feb18 2019 & june22 2022. My world has changed since then. I now belong to a club I never wanted to join.

3/When my dad died, we did not have time to grieve properly. my brothers and I went into auto mode to make sure mum was ok and try to make up for my dad's presence in her life. it was like climbing Mt Everest. But we tried nevertheless.

4/My dad died pre-pandemic. extended family flew into Sydney from all over the world. Many of them arrived before I did. I arrived to a full house. my mum, and my brothers and me shifted into 'hospitality' gears automatically.

5/It was a big and beautiful send off. I think dad would've enjoyed it, from the moving eulogy and slide presentation by my brother ed, to the choral presentation complete with trumpet by his choir, to the splendid tea spread, and the sermon message by his long time pastor.

6/ My mum's funeral was small, sweet & beautiful. like her. a bible verse read by Phil, a hymn led by Ed on the guitar, liturgy & short sharing by Ed's pastor. We had contemporary music to close with Moon represents my Heart (at which point 2 of my aunts bawled)

7/ Both my parents died suddenly and unexpectedly. They were not ailing and went for regular health check ups. I think the trauma of receiving phone calls informing that my dad/mum passed away will lessen with time but neither will it go away completely ever.

8/ Life goes on. Same yet different. I think that it is impossible for those who have not lost parents to understand. But we all have to walk that valley eventually unless we precede our parents.

9/ On a more hopeful note, I have been given a second chance to build relationships with my brothers and their families in a way that we never sought nor imagined when my parents were alive. And I know my parents would have liked that

3rd anniversary of daddy's passing

today is the 3rd anniversary of daddy's passing. whenever i think of my dad i feel so blessed to have had him for my dad. everything i am and whatever good i do has my dad's imprint and guidance. sometimes it is amazing to think how he became such a great dad when his own father was largely absent and still he had to share with 30 over siblings. i'm grateful for the rich life he led and all the people he touched. and i'm reminded of how fleeting life on earth is. the day when my dad died was truly the worst day of my life. but his approach to everything was that we have a choice and that we should choose to have a good time. he always had a great time. always the life of the party. our family party is a little more quiet without daddy's booming voice - but his presence is with us, binding us in love and joy, sweet memories and always hope for wonderful times ahead. 

cny 2022

remarked to friend recently how those of us who don't care so much for traditions are often held hostage to those want to cling on. i'm not big on holidays but it wasn't always like this. i used to love cny as a child. from the prep: at least 3 sets of new outfits and pjs, and shoes, to the big reunion dinner on the eve, to collecting angpows and gambling with cousins. i think most people of my generation born mid 60s to 80s(?) have similar memories. i'm not sure when the negativity towards festivals and traditions emerged. it's not that i don't like parties or celebrations. cos i do. what i don't like is the commercialism, keeping up appearances, and general excessiveness and waste (?) 

anyways - we made it through the big reunion dinner with the extended family in a big banquet hall in a restaurant/heelaiton. 

and family lunch with immediate inlaws on the first day with ping cher's family. (side bar: funny thing - after just one year of not celebrating cny the normal way due to lock downs last year - i completely forgot that ping cher's family visits and lunches with us on 1st day) it was lovely to see everyone especially the kids and how they have grown. and entertainment provided by soon pak, quite harmless fella but somehow has the ability to put foot in mouth and offend most pp every time. learned today that he worked for the grandfather ong and was matched with ping cher when she came to work at gasing. ended off the visit with family photos with the kids getting into the action of the samsung selfie hand wave. :D

chor 2. on 2/2/2022 

woke up early to play tennis with chungs. super long rallies. very happy. came home and ate some of san's sourdough + french cheese, and coffee. my kind of public holiday.

another extended ong family dinner tonight. and then visit 6th aunt, her husband, and 3rd aunt on friday (yeoh side) to complete cny family obligations for this year. 

sadly (because i'm a grinch) and partly because we have not kept in touch over the years, i won't be visiting the other relatives on both the yeoh and oh/lim sides in the klang valley. i'm not sad-sad because i'd be quite annoyed if my mum insisted that i visit all the relatives. but i do feel a sense of loss that those ties were not maintained. but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 

mine is the sandwich generation that will still show respect to the elders. even if we don't like an old person - but we will STILL give face. and try to continue the traditions that our fore fathers brought with them from china that most of our parents hold on to that includes the importance of extended family network. it will be interesting to see how this manifests in the next generation. who do not have to compete with other cousins for the love and attention of their grandparents. but instead it's the grandies that compete with each other for the attention of the kids. at the very least - i will be able to observe at close quarters since we have nieces and nephews. (unlike friends who's family line ends with them) hope i get invited to cny dinners if i make it to a grand old age and am old and decrepit. but if not - i don't think i will mind too much. xx gongxi facai! 

midlife

just unpacked a cny hamper. 

actually i unpacked the contents last night. this morning was about 20mins of unpacking the packaging, flattening boxes, separating plastic from cardboard.  

midlife is a lot of things of dull. 

and looking for inspiration in elevator posters. 

the crises of reaching middle age isn't dramatic as what the movies make it to be. 

there is definitely a lot that has been written about it such that you can't not be aware of it. 

it isn't a surprise when it happens. 

but what do you do about it when it arrives?

and how long does it plan to stay?

what if it never goes away?

what if there is no midlife but just old life? 

let's try this journaling thing again

i should update the subtitle but can't think of anything interesting sounding yet. i may not be 30 something anymore but here i am ... still lainey in the (klang) valley. 40-something something sounds too blah so this will have to stick until i dream up something else. 

i needed a medium to express my thoughts. in a form that isn't private but doesn't need or seek to be acknowledged/liked. i feel that blogging is perfect in the sense that its just the right amount of public that keeps a writer in check from being too extremely self indulgent in the off-chance that others may wander into the space. most social media these days (fb, twitter) - their main purpose is to engage others even if some people want to use it as a repository of life events. i find myself editing or curating a post for public consumption. the writing becomes self-conscious and thoughts filtered. 

as i inch closer to 50 - i think it's timely to start journaling again, putting down thoughts to paper. i wish i had the discipline to start at the beginning of the covid lockdowns. 2 years on - it appears that the world is healing and moving on. so today i commit to write a paragraph a day, everyday about life here in the valley. xx